Of Dreams and Moths
by Chaleureuse
Summary: AU. Even if it hurts...always. Shounen-ai (i.e. not 'straight')


Blue hair, the same as that of the sky
    
    Hi. This is another fic. It's my first shounen-ai one, i.e. not straight. And the pairing's TaikoubouxFugen. So, if you don't like the idea of boys liking boys more than as friends, don't read. I hereby state that I will not be held responsible for any trauma you experience because you neglected my advice.

Oh, and this fic may cause some permanent damage to some brain cells. Wearing a hat while reading this fic does not help. Not much of spoilers (almost none, in fact).

Disclaimer: Houshin Engi and assorted characters are © Fujisaki Ryu. This is a work of fans, by fans, for fans. No infringement of any copyright is meant.

__________

Of Dreams and Moths

By Char

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"You're in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort there"

~Sarah Mclaclen -"Angel"

Blue hair, the same as that of the sky. Violet eyes, the colour of amethyst. A placid smile on a pale face. A gentle voice, softly saying 'sayonara'.

And he awoke. Torn from the beauty of long, thin fingers caressing his face, torn from the comfort and solace he seeked, and received, in the gentle smile. Reluctantly, he opened his eyes, shrinking away from the light streaming through the half-drawn curtains, streaming into his eyes.

His gaze rested upon the head of his peacefully sleeping partner, silently taking in her child-like features. Reaching out to trace the contours of her countenance, his lips curled up in a wistful smile.

A sleepy voice broke through his reverie. She caught hold of his hastily pulled-back hand and brought it to her lips. "Can't sleep?" Her voice, soft and teasing.

He smiled, then—"Why?"

"Why what?" she asked, startled by his sudden question.

"Why did you choose me? When you could have had almost anyone?"

Silence. Then she looked at him. "Because you're the only one who demanded the truth from a woman know from her lies. Because I don't have to wear a mask when I'm with you."

Because he was different from all the other men she had met. Because they were from two different worlds. Because he was, essentially, her escape from a world that had grown too large and scary for her.

He knew the truth all too well…

"What's the matter?" she asked him again.

"Ha-hai," he stuttered as he remembered eyes of amethyst. "I just…had a dream."

"About me?" An impish smile graced her face.

"Always."

Giggling, she closed her eyes and allowed sleep to overtake her.

…The truth was bitter, but he did love her…right? The feel of being with her…

It felt different. Different from the peace and solace he had enjoyed in the company of… He didn't know his name. But that feeling of familiarity…as if he had seen that face somewhere before, a long time ago.

Blue hair, violet eyes, a gentle smile, a golden halo, a voice softly calling out to him.

An angel. It must be an angel, he decided. That would explain the feeling of peace, but the déjà vu? Perhaps he did meet the angel in a past life… And it felt so right when he caressed the angel's cool cheek…

__________

He came face to face with the angel. A soft voice calling out (his name?). Opening his mouth, he tried to ask the questions that had been bothering him for a long time.

"Bou-chan…" The angel spoke first. Looking into his eyes. Calling him by a name that was not his, yet at the same time, his and only his.

So he replied in the way he had been taught to when faced with such situations. "Ara? Are you sure you've got the right person?"

"Bou-chan…" He saw the light in the angel's eyes dim slightly, then light up again. Tugging at his hand, the angel led him away, to a place with a name his mind could not really register. As he paused to take in his surroundings, the angel leaned over…and kissed him. Intertwining their fingers, the angel pushed him down so that he lay on the soft green grass. He held his breath as the angel deepened the kiss.

"Bou-chan…" Voice like wisps of clouds passing over the morning sky. 

__________

That afternoon, he sat at his desk, recalling blue hair, violet eyes, a gentle smile, and a voice like the breeze, saying, "Onegai, remember…" Relishing in the feelings of the 'rightness' of what he did. Ignoring that little nagging voice at the back of his mind, which screamed to him that it was disgusting, was what he did.

But he couldn't remember what the angel had wanted him to remember. In fact, he didn't even think about the past. All he had thought of was, how peaceful it was then, as if time had stopped for them.

Perhaps it did. That's why it didn't turn back.

Idly, he thought of her, and how she should be at the set filming by now. And once again, he saw the differences between them. So he wondered again. Why? Why him?

A moth… She was attracted to a simple life with no space for lies. Just like how a moth is drawn to a candle. Tempted, seduced, then…

He didn't want to think about the consequences.

Lost souls… That's what they were. Floating, adrift in a lonely world. She had thought that he would be an anchor, someone to keep her from being washed away by the tides of lies being fed to her. But little did she know, that he was just as lost as she was, and unlike her, he didn't have anyone to clung on to for comfort and solace. Until now…

It would explain the attraction he felt towards the angel. Tempted, seduced by the promise of peace and a harbour to rest his weary heart. A candle in the dark, to let him find himself again…

__________

The same place that had no name. The same clouds. And the same gentle smile on a pale face framed by blue hair.

"Bou-chan…" Soft lips met dry ones as violet met blue. 

He never did know the angel's name. Or rather, the answer was deep inside him, in his sub-consciousness. A state of knowing without knowing. 

"What's the name of this place?"

"It has no name. It doesn't exist."

"Yes it does. In our hearts."

A wistful smile. "Bou-chan, this place doesn't exist. It will last forever."

So he would always remember blue sky, thin, wispy clouds, and the grass, soft beneath his touch. But the peace he yearned for so badly, would always slip through the cupped hands of his memory, and disappear into the torrents of reality.

He wanted to stay at forever.

__________

"Had a dream again?"

"Ha…hai…"

"About me?"

"Of course."

Soft giggles, child-like in their innocence.

He thought, 'She doesn't know.'

Yet. But one day, she would find out that he didn't really love her. And she would feel betrayed. And her innocence would die. And she would be lost, for good, in the sea of lies.

He could never forgive himself if that happened…

He was lost again.

And somewhere in the back of his mind, he started to scream.

__________

That same scenery again, always. There was no change: the same vegetation, the same shade of never-ending blue of the sky. All because it did not exist. And there would always be peace.

He never wanted to exist.

Collapsing into the angel's arms, he whispered, barely, "Save me…"

Violet eyes widened, then softened. So he was rescued from despair, by an angel whose name he never knew.

The angel kissed away his tears. "Don't cry, Bou-chan…don't cry."

"Bou-chan…aish—"

A finger pressed onto the angel's lips, silencing him. "Onegai…don't say it…" His voice, pleading, tired.

The angel kept silent. Then—"You love her."

"Yes. No. I don't know." He tugged at his hair in frustration. "I…pity her. She needs someone to cling to. She's lost too, and I don't want to hurt her."

Quiet laugh. "You always put the needs of others before yours… It's time to think about your own needs as well. What do you want?"

He stared into whirlpools of violet. "Peace…" 

"Then stay with me, Bou-chan. Don't go back."

"I don't want to hurt her," he repeated.

"If you stay, you won't. If you stay, she'll never find out. And she won't be hurt."

"But…I…"

The angel took hold of both his hands, and looked into his eyes. "Aishiteru, Bou-chan. I've waited so long just to say this…" 

Sweet fatigue. The feeling of returning home after being lost for a very, very long time.

Hands trembling, he embraced the angel, as tears that had threatened to spill over fulfilled their threat.

__________

In the world he tried so hard to run from, his body started to disappear, to disintegrate. No one knew where he went. Presumably killed. 

She cried for days, but life had to go on. Swept away by the torrents of reality, she would forget. Of course, she remained lost. 

__________

In his house, a moth fell, after being singed by the flame of a candle that it was attracted to.

~OWARI~

Author's Notes:

Okay. This is VERY strange. Not to mention that it's crap. 

Inspiration came from an advertisement about moths being attracted to rings and a "what if Taikoubou was reincarnated" statement. Thus this TaikoubouxFugen fic. ^^ The characters may seem OOC, but Taikoubou is no longer Taikoubou, so…^^. And Fugen does seem a little selfish, ne? Actually, that was intentional, i.e. my fault. He really wants Bou-chan to stay with him. Possessive, that's the word. And the reasoning to 'if Bou-chan stay, she won't get hurt, because she doesn't know' is a bit faulted. My fault, again. (So shoot me) Taikoubou (the reincarnation, actually) is very lost. He's looking for someone who will love him unconditionally, someone for him to cling on to, just like that 'she' is clinging on to him. 

And that 'she' can be anyone. Actually, I intended for it to be Dakki, but, that's pretty impossible. So, whoever you want the 'she' to be, it's up to you. Could be Ou Kijin, Ko Kibi, Sengyoku. Or even Venus 0_o. *evil cackle* Poor suusu.

And the moth. I suppose everyone is like a moth. We are attracted to some things and even become obsessed with it. And in the end? You may get burnt. Taikoubou did. Just that he didn't realise it. He gave up reality for non-existence. One could say he died because his desire for escape became too great.

Comments, criticisms, flames, whines…etc can be sent to [weirdgirl85@hotmail.com][1].

~10/11/00

1400

   [1]: mailto:weirdgirl85@hotmail.com



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